These poems may also bring some degree of enlightenment in regards to my post "Broken Hearts...Love and Let Go..." on my Tales of an Arctic Shrew blog. These poems were during the broken and bleeding stage
Here's another little secret that only my close friends know about me.
I truly believe that someone who initially appears attractive can become ugly by their personality (for example, has no respect for life, for you, prideful, etc.), but someone you wouldn't initially think to be "attractive" can become someone beautiful in your eyes. Because that is how these poems came about. There are celebrities that friends have asked if I find him attractive. I would tell them, they appear attractive initially, but these are the reasons I do not find so-and-so attractive. When they do horrible things, they lose my respect for their character, and that makes them unattractive.
Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. My close friends are truly beautiful because of the most important treasures that you can't just buy, that lie within them. I truly believe that real beauty lies in the person, not the clothes and not the looks. Looks will fade, but love can last forever. Eehh...I know that got a little mushy. I plead insanity!
I do apologize if these make any of my readers uncomfortable (let alone this entry). I wrote these poems in 2004 dealing with someone I admired very much. I now see this person as a friend, I removed these emotions out of my heart because it was for the better.
Looking back over the years, if these dreams came true, I would not have grown the way I have. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful to this person for their kindness that was the start to what helped me see that I was not hopeless and my worth.
When I wrote Genius, I knew I had to wake up, but it hurt to do it. I do not regret this pain, because I have grown from it. I learned from it. I also came to appreciate that I could to some degree understand the kind of pain involved in heartbreak, and that to survive, you have let go.
I have really got to stop leading into poems, I say far too much. I do apologize for this.
To clear up any potential misunderstandings (or questions for that matter), this poem was not about someone that was married. It was simply about that typical love triangle that formed before I even knew it existed. It didn't work between those two, but as you'll see, the genius (at the time I wrote this poem) wanted it to, even though they knew it wouldn't.
Here they are.
Genius
If I were a genius
Would you have treated me with respect?
If I were wittier
Would you be nicer?
If I were more attractive
Would you say something?
If I were a genius
Would you choose me over her any day?
I would have chosen you over any one of them
If I were a genius
Would we have been a better match?
If certain things were different
Would we have been happy together?
If I were breathtaking
Would you tell me?
If you weren't cut so deeply
Would you have cut me as easily?
If you loved me
Would it have been as hard to apologize?
Would you still have to be right?
If I weren't so afraid
If I were more confident
Would you have loved me?
Oh if only
Oh if only things were different
But this is merely a dream
A dream that will remain a poem forever
A dream that will haunt me
A wound I will try to cut out
Oh if only I were better than she
Oh if only you had loved me
But unfortunately this dream must come to an end
I have to wake up tomorrow, and face the simplistically complicated truth
Oh how I cherish this dream
The dream that you love me
That I'm the reason you do those things that make me smile
That we would've been happy forever
That our love was strong enough
The dream of a genius
Me
So that you, my sweet Einstein
Would love me
Wake up...
Stay away...
Wake up...
To just one more day...
© copyright 2004
This next poem preceded Genius. It was the still hurt and bleeding stage. I think Not Enough can be misinterpreted as a little angry. In all honesty though, I think when I wrote it, the sorries were sincere and I truly wanted these things to be. I wrote I wished the two of them had worked out perfectly because his happiness was more important (It hurt to see him in pain).
Not Enough
I'm sorry I'm not smart enough for you
I'm sorry that I'm not witty enough for you
I'm sorry that she broke your heart into slivered shards
Shards that you will spend the rest of your life trying to piece back together
I'm sorry I'm not good enough to make you laugh, laugh all the time
I'm sorry that I am not perfect enough, right for you
I'm sorry these pages were written apart
I'm sorry, so sorry...
Are you?
No, I think not...
I think you're sorry she's not right for you
I think you're sorry that your love wasn't enough
I'm sorry you're not happy
I wish you two had worked out perfectly
and that I'd never met you
I wish I wasn't so lost and confused
It would have made it easier to move on
I'm sorry for you...
I'm sorry the past works the way it does
I'm sorry for so many things
I think you are too...
Just not for the same things as I
Instead of cry hopeless tears, I write these senseless words...
© copyright 2004
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